Learning To Love Thy Self
I happened to listen to the audiobook of Simu Liu’s memoir, We Were Dreamers and it was quite a surreal, almost therapeutic session for me. For starters, he mentioned the stuff he had to go through growing up Asian.
I could relate to a lot of what he said because African parents are not so different. I mean, I grew up with a strict mother who wanted the best for me and expected me to be the best. Like if she notices my peers doing something, she would push me towards that even though that is not what I want.
I have always struggled to know what it was that I wanted for myself. I always resented my mum for the way she disciplined me and also my sisters for being more successful than I am. Not helping is the fact that they had better grades than I did.
I performed poorly in school and would get insulted by my mum and sister, always called stupid and a variety of words that really hurt me so badly that they affected my self esteem. I was the resident crybaby and eccentric child in class that everyone made fun of. I remember one of my teachers placing a bowl in front of me and asking me to cry into it and that I must fill it up. That was how bad growing up was for me.
I could not tell my mum or anyone because of how they were. And even when I do report those bullies, they would somehow guilt trip me into letting them go and then rinse and repeat.
When Simu spoke about wanting to be popular, like and desired, I felt that because I also felt that way growing up. I desperately wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to hook up with the coolest kids in school that I even treated my dear cousin badly as a result.
One could just attribute that to me being a foolish, naive kid. Maybe maybe not. One thing was for certain, I struggled with years of trauma that came to a head recently and forced me to lash out at everyone and have a mental breakdown.
I recently got diagnosed with Bipolar which more or less explains some of the emotional imbalance that I often feel. Sometimes I am sad, other times I get so angry and just lose my shit.
I am still struggling to heal even though I have forgiven my mother and siblings and other for all the shit that they have done to me as all these people were going through their own trauma and bullshit and took it out on me. Despite forgiving them, I still struggle at times to heal and come to terms with a lot of things.
I have been talking with mum a lot more lately and she now understands what I have been going through and actually feels bad for not helping me when she was supposed to.
Simu even mentioned how he chose accountancy to please his parents and how he got fired within 8 months which led him to acting and now he is a Marvel superstar that uses his platform to help the Asian immigrant community. Sometimes in our darkest hour, the sign that we beg the Universe for shows up when we least expect it.
That makes his story so inspirational to someone like me that is going through an identity crisis. Speaking of identity crisis, that brings me to yet another inspirational figure that I deeply admire these days and that is none other than Trish Stratus.
Most people do not know this about me but I am a wrestling fan. Was introduced to it through a cousin of mine but did not really get into it till the 2000's.
I remember seeing Trish during a championship match with Victoria and thinking to myself, “Who is this woman?” Years later, that woman still kicks ass. Sure she retired as of recent but she is still a legendary force to be reckoned with.
This lady initially was dismissed as pure eye candy when she started out and yet, she worked her ass off to not only become a 7 time Women’s champion but also earn the love and respect of the locker room and fans around the world, putting women’s wrestling on the match.
I find that incredible because there will always be naysayers who would want to dismiss anything that you do. It is left to you to keep showing up and fighting for what you believe in and affect change from there. It is hard work and sometimes one would want to quit but eventually one would pay their dues. I hope and pray that someday, I do pay my dues and earn the respect that I believe that I deserve.
Speaking of which, that brings me to yet another person; the American Nightmare Cody Rhodes.
When I saw Cody’s return at Wrestlemania and the epic crowd reaction, I almost burst into tears of joy. This guy has come a long way. When he first came to WWE, he was not given the amount of love and respect that he truly deserved.
He ended up leaving WWE due to creative differences and went off to build AEW which is now WWE’s main competitor. That transition from performer to EVP was not without some bumps along the way of course. But those mistakes taught him a lot and made him grow into the man that he is today.
It was those same lessons that he would apply to his current run at WWE which is already doing him loads of favors. He is finally getting the attention that he desired from his earlier WWE run and AEW run. He got mixed reactions at AEW but he tried his best.
What is the lesson? If people are not willing to give you that chance, create that opportunity yourself. It will be a lot more difficult but it will be worthwhile as those same people that rejected you years ago would re-embrace you later.
Cody’s theme song Kingdom best illustrates it. See for yourself:
You took it all away, I give it all away
Can’t take my freedom
Here to change the game, a banner made of pain
I built my kingdom
Now you bow to me
You took my dreams but not my name
You’ll follow me until the end
I am my kingdom
I relate to this song a lot because I once felt that way with people especially my mother as I felt that she was holding me back and taking away a lot of things from me. Not just her but all those that rejected me either because of my bad grades(which still continue to haunt me), because I do not fit their criteria, my resume looks lackluster compared to others, I do not fit any beauty standards etc. This song might as well be my theme song at this point xD.
I am using this opportunity to tell all these people that your opinions of me no longer matter. Your opinions are secondary to what I feel about myself. All this stuff you see me post that you often ignore, all this shit that I do is not for any of you!!
No!! I am doing all this shit for myself!! I am doing what makes me happy!! I no longer give a shit about chasing after likes!! I no longer care about what anyone says!! I am me!! I am da Foxy Diva!! I am a Queen okay?!
Ah forgive me there. I guess I got too carried away and cut a massive wrestling promo just now. I have linked the song down below so that you can see what I mean.
You know, some things just take practice. Ignore what everyone else is doing and just focus on you. I have made a promise to myself and that is that I will do what makes me happy and chase after that happiness and work as hard as I can and just keep on praying and keep on being consistent. One day, the hard work will pay off.
